Not everybody gets the same reconciliation. Most of us just wade in the uncertainty of whether we will ever feel whole again – and the truth is, we might not. That person did take a part of us with them. Nothing can change that. But maybe we can be like starfish and grow our limbs back in the meantime. We still lost something, but we also gain something back.

I think I explained to him that I just didn’t feel ready, that I wanted to figure out how to be a person a little more before bringing someone else into it. Develop my walk with Christ. All the usual talking points. He was understanding. We both cried.

In her I was able to see a woman work through old, deep pain and come out the other side. I saw her walk through grief I thought I would carry with me for the rest of my life. I saw her sisters carry her through it.

My mom’s prayer for me was deliverance — but not from homosexuality. Writing that word would have meant acceptance of what I’d shared with her about my sexuality several years prior. I come from a Christian tradition that places big faith in prayer and healing, but rarely any emphasis on struggle and tribulation. If you have enough faith or if you pray enough, whatever you ask will be done for you. Right?

In the fall of 2022, my world came to an abrupt stop due to an unfortunate event that left me with severe nerve compression in my right sciatica. I could not work. I could not sleep due to excruciating pain. I could no longer do the things that I once enjoyed. I entered into what some in the Christian faith would call “the dark night of the soul.” 

I had dinner with a friend one day, and out of nowhere he mentioned something about Your Other Brothers. We had never discussed issues of sexuality together, and regardless of his intention, God was working. He suggested I check out YOB's podcast on the way home, and I did, and I got hooked.